By Dr. Sherrie Campbell
As our girls are growing into young women, entering high school and going off to college, we need to equip them with enough self-love and respect not to see them turn into â€œProstitotsâ€ or â€œHOESâ€ (as they come to become known) who Happily Offer Everybody Sex as way to find love. Many young women are so eager to have a boyfriend and grow up they are no longer waiting to get to know someone before having sex. It is more about going out and â€œhooking upâ€ rather than having valuable and meaningful connections. It is a mosh-pit of competition and a never-ending battle with other girls for guys who really could care less about them.
Why NOT â€œGiving It Upâ€ Makes Girls More Powerful:
1. Making a guy wait is a MUST: Itâ€™s true what mom always said, making him wait is a must a young lady wants any chance of developing a commitment with a guy. Further, guys are built to like a challenge. They will always treat girls the best when they are not getting everything they want. If a guy sees a girl as just a physical thing this will make him impatient and he will push for sex. This is the key signal the guy is only in for a short-term physical connection. This is a girlâ€™s signal to leave him dumbfounded and dumped in her pixie dust.
2. Waiting will increase a girlâ€™s self-respect. When girls hold to their convictions they avoid the low self-esteem that comes with the guilt or shame of going against themselves out of the fear of losing a guy. Girls are more likely than guys to feel guilt about a first sexual experience and more uncertain if they made the correct decision. In waiting until there is a true emotional connection with the guy, young ladies maintain their power and self-respect. The bonus is the guy gains the utmost respect and he sees her as different then all the other girls who give it up quickly and to anybody.
3. Waiting proves if heâ€™s the â€œreal dealâ€: Girls deserve boys willing to prove their worth to her. If girls see the value in waiting they will quickly learn if this guy is the real deal or if heâ€™s just in it to use, abuse and bail. Girls need to understand if a guy leaves because he wants to have sex and sheâ€™s not ready, then it says more about him than her. Further, because he never got to have her he will always be more curious about her then whoever else he has been with or will be with.
4. Sex changes everything â€“ Sex is much better had when girls are ready and when they completely trust in the guy. It is easy for a girl to feel used or betrayed after the break-up of a sexual relationship which she may then experience difficulty trusting in future relationships. No one wants to be burned again. Sex can turn a good relationship bad if it is had too soon. For instance, other dimensions of the relationship soon stop developing, negative emotions enter the picture and eventually, they poison the relationship.
5. Waiting increases confidence: If girls learn to stand true inside of themselves they will not feel the pressure as much as other girls with lower self-esteem. Saying no and waiting until she is ready is a powerful way for her to stand strong in who she is. The pressure then goes to the guy to stand tall in his interest in for a girl through his willingness to wait. Who the girl is and how he feels about her will be more important than having sex to him if she is truly important to him.
6. Sex and mismatched expectations: Once a girl has sex she cannot turn back. The power of sex only lasts so long so if there isnâ€™t something deeper there for the guy he may lose interest and may never move into a commitment. Girls tent to use sex to gain intimacy and connection, whereas guys are more likely to have sex to gain physical pleasure. Therefore a girl who views sex as a way to show that she cares about a guy may end up feeling used and cheated when the guy doesnâ€™t show a greater romantic interest after having sex with her. This is where severe depression, resent and a loss of self-respect come into play as the result of not waiting.
7. Waiting brings long term peace of mind: Girls can avoid a tremendous drop in self-esteem when they learn to take their time and wait. Peace of mind, self-love and respect last a lot longer than a short-term romantic tryst that ends up leaving her empty. Also when girls donâ€™t have sex and the guy leaves she will always have that power over him. She is left with the relief and peace of mind she did not let him use her, and he loses HIS value.
Our girls need to understand one big secret. The more a man has to work for her the more he values her. So the more time a girl spends allowing a guy to chase her, impress her, court her and have fun with her the more interest he will feel for her emotionally. Waiting is the challenge and it serves both sides. It serves the hunting instinct for the guy and it serves the girl developing her confidence, self-love and self- respect.
Shearpy Advice: Let him call, let him make plans, and let him show you why YOU should choose him.
Sherrie Campbell, PhD is a veteran, licensed Psychologist with two decades of clinical training and experience providing counseling and psychotherapy services to residents of Yorba Linda, Irvine, Anaheim, Fullerton and Brea, California. In her private practice, she currently specializes in psychotherapy with adults and teenagers, including marriage and family therapy, grief counselling, childhood trauma, sexual issues, personality disorders, illness and more. She has helped individuals manage their highest high and survive their lowest lowâ€”from winning the lottery to the death of a child. Her interactive sessions are as unique and impactful as her new book, Loving Yourself : The Mastery of Being Your Own Person.
She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology in 2003 and has regularly contributes to numerous publications, including Intent.com, Beliefnet.com, DrLaura.com and Hitched.com. She is also an inspirational speaker, avid writer and proud mother. She can be reached at Sherriecampbellphd.com.
Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person is available on Amazon.com and other fine booksellers.